I have failed at blogging. I think about it and then I think there is so much to catch up on that it overwhelms me so I just ignore it. But then I feel guilty. Because I mostly do this for myself anyway. So a year from now I can look back on it and see what was going on. Especially since right now, there is A LOT going on. And it has me so stressed and overwhelmed.

I will start with last night. I had a little melt down. I don't cry often. But I had to let it out last night. Thankfully my husband was right there with me to listen to why I was having a melt down. The straw that broke the camels back was.. toothpaste. Yea. I was so mad because my husband was using MY toothpaste when I told him not to. And we literally just got back from WalMart and I was like why the hell didn't you get some while we were there!?
It was a total woman hormonal pregnancy to blame freak out. And I felt bad afterward. But there has been so much on my mind lately and I feel so absolutely overwhelmed. I of course, hold it all in because its one of those situations where you cant do anything about anything until it happens. Ya know? But that damn toothpaste. Ugh.

First I am SO annoyed with buying gifts. I personally HATE buying gifts. It is SO stressful to me. My husbands side of the family wanted to do a secret santa so we drew names at Thanksgiving. I got my sister in laws new boyfriend who we know nothing about. Fun. So on top of having to run all over town to get gifts I gotta spend money that I need to be spending on other things!

My husband called me scrooge and I don't give a shit. If I could just hide in my house until after the new year I would be completely ok with that. I am ready for Christmas to be over. I don't wanna spend anymore money on gifts that people aren't gonna use or care about! And I still have to go find something for our secret santa thing at work. So that is more running around town and spending money that I don't wanna spend.
I sound so crappy but I am literally just overwhelmed.

Second, my due date is quickly (but slowly) approaching. And the details of that day are always on my mind.
-Can I do this?
-Who do I want there with me while I'm in labor?
-Do I want my mom there?
-I feel like if my in laws are just sitting in the waiting room waiting, that it will stall my labor and put a ton of pressure on me.
-Am I psychotic for thinking about all of this? (no but seriously lol)
-How long will I be able to hold and bond with my new son before I have a hundred family members wanting to take him from me?
-Do other moms freak out over things like this?
-I don't want anyone at our house when we bring our son home for the first time. I just want it to be the three of us and our two fur babies meeting him for the first time. How is that gonna happen when family is probably gonna wanna follow us home.

I mean it is crazy. I might sound a little selfish, and I probably am. But do I not have a right as a new mom to have the experience the way I want it? I don't know the line. And my husband thinks I'm freaking out over all of this for no reason. And that things will just work out. But men have NO IDEA what it is like, 1. to be a woman, 2. to be pregnant and have all this pressure on you. And I might be putting it on myself. No, I know I am putting it on myself. But that is just how I have always been. I want things to be perfect. That is a flaw in myself. But I don't think it will ever change.

Three, on top of everything. I am in excruciating pain 24/7. It makes me miserable. I don't even want to wake up in the morning knowing what I am going to have to feel all day. Its my back, my rib, my hip, my belly. Everything hurts So bad. I have tried yoga to stretch out, I walk. I rest. I take a lot of hot baths. I'm freaking miserable and I don't know how I can do this for three more months. Its scares the shit out of me that I am gonna probably double in size and I don't know how I will be able to carry all this belly! I'm literally just scared and tired of hurting all the time. That just added to my meltdown last night. That I have to keep it together every day and I have no relief.

I don't think anyone could understand unless they were in my shoes. Yes of course I am so glad to be able to be pregnant. I went my entire adult life thinking I couldn't. But that doesn't make it easier to deal with the pain that I'm in.

I feel bad that I am in such a weird mood. I want to be happy and thankful and optimistic. But I just feel so overwhelmed. I didn't even mention the stress with work.. but whatever. I will just move on and try to take it a day at a time. There really is so much that I am thankful for I promise. I just had to get all of that negativity out. I'm gonna go drink my tea.