First of all, I am so blessed and lucky to be a stay at home mom. And my husband is sure to remind me of that by holding it over my head, which in turn does not help the situation at all.
Life is so extremely different. I do know I am lucky to have a beautiful healthy baby. But that is not what this is about. This is about me. Actually, I don't even know who 'me' is anymore. I sit at home almost 24/7. Oh that's my problem? Sure, I guess you could say it is. There are mom groups. Yea, you're right there are. But its hard to want to get out of the house and force yourself to make new friends when you feel disgusting and ugly all the time and also have a little baby that loves to nap on his time. And you have to lug around a million things for a baby and it turns into a chore to get out of the house instead of relaxing.
Not only that but when you are not bringing any income to the household anymore you cant really just leave and go wherever you want when you have to worry about gas being in your vehicle or having cash on hand just in case. And then feeling guilty for driving the vehicle for purposes that are not completely necessary but more of a social thing. I don't leave the house unless it is for a reason. I don't go far from the house if I do leave.
I am not saying that I am being controlled and told what to do. But I honestly don't have that type of freedom anymore.
I have been kind of depressed lately. I have a really hard time being away from family. I have been so blessed to see my dad three times this year already when usually I'm lucky if I get to see him once a year. But this last visit this past weekend is the last time I will see him until I don't even know when. And I'm taking it extremely hard. I am so bitter. I am so sad. I am so angry.
I've had to deal with this my whole life. Divorced parents who have never lived in the same state. No child should have to deal with that. I have amazing parents. And only getting to see one so rarely is so hard. I wish I had my family here like my husband does.
I cant explain this to him because he does not for a second understand. And he doesn't really try to make an effort to try to understand. He has no idea how lucky he is. So because of that, I am bitter and resentful. I know its not his fault. But its not mine either! Why do I have to be in this situation. I hate that I've had to choose a parent my entire life. Why cant we all just be close together?
Friends.. that is something that has become pretty non existent in my world. Its really, really hard to have friends in this stage in life. It's actually a time in life when you need them the most. Why do people become so distant when you really need them to just come by and see you for a little while? But you dont wanna sound needy and crazy by hounding them over and over to come see you. You want them to make some effort too. Becoming a mom shouldn't change your relationships, unless it is for the better.
I have had my moments of being a shitty friend. I can own up to that. But I feel like I am being punished and abandoned by people I thought would be there more often. It seriously does take a village to raise a baby. But I feel like I don't have that village... not the one I want.
I have to be honest. If it weren't for my internet friends, and yes I do have internet friends. Wonderful women on a March Moms 2014 board, I don't know where I'd be. Joining an online group of women who were all going through the same thing I was going through: pregnancy, labor, recovery, motherhood, struggles, loneliness was the absolute best thing I have done. We might not know each other face to face, but they have been my best friends. But that can only go so far. We all still need our in real life friends. All of us have said this, we all wish we lived in the same neighborhood. It would be so amazing to have these incredible women in my life for real. They know my struggles, they understand my struggles. They even check up on me when they don't hear from me for a while! Its the most amazing support system. But like I said, it only goes so far because its online.. the sad thing is, is that most of these women are going through this loneliness thing too. That is why I know this is a real and serious thing. They feel abandoned and alone too.
The crazy thing is.. I am an introvert. I love to be alone and comfortable in my own home. Relaxing and watching my favorite tv shows and not having to be doing something 24/7. You would think this staying at home mom thing would be a walk in the park emotionally. But its not. You find yourself craving a connection.. A connection to another women who will understand you. I was not prepared for this loneliness thing. When I envisioned being a stay at home mom, I saw playdates and actually being able to have lunch with my friends.. But not once has anyone asked to come have lunch with them.. I was looking forward to things like that. It feels like I have just fallen off the face of the earth to them. The relationships I had before that I thought meant so much just don't anymore. I was so close to work friends. I leave because I have a baby and now its like I never was their friend... they felt more like family. It hurts. What did I do? Where did I go wrong?
I want other women who read this to know that you aren't alone. I know you feel that way, but I am right there with you and so are so many other new moms and women. I feel lonely everyday but it does help that I am not in this situation by myself (so to speak). I cant really give advice on what to do about it because I haven't even figured that out yet... but just know that the struggle is real.
I also want to add this. If you are not struggling with loneliness like this, then maybe you can take advantage of that and reach out to your mom friends who have brand new little ones and just make sure they are ok. Maybe they just need one person to send them a message or a text or a call and tell them they are being thought about and loved. :)
Just know this...
I know you’re tired. I know you’re trying to invest in your family, but you’re just really lonely and really in need of a friend. You’ve tried to reach out but it seems like no one needs another friendship. It’s hard to initiate, and sometimes you just wish someone would call you up and invite you and your kids over to spend time together. You feel like you don’t have the strength to do anymore, but you need something. Let me say this first: God hears you. He hears you and sees into your heart and He knows the broken and lonely places. He knows your longings, and He knows about your weariness. He hears you and He cares, so don’t stop crying out to Him. He is not ignoring your cries, so you keep praying and asking Him for a friend and/or a mentor to walk alongside you. This is a trial for you, and I want to tell you to hang on to Him. Hang on for dear life and trust Him through this hardship. You will get through it. You will. - See more at: http://sarahmae.com/2013/06/dear-lonely-mom-looking-for-a-friend/#sthash.7D3Bi3x2.dpuf
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