meltdown?

Sitting here blogging while sitting on my birth ball drinking red raspberry leaf tea and just got off the phone with my doula. If that isn't a little crunchy then I don't know what is ;) just kidding. That is what should be considered normal to me.

But seriously, I just needed to vent and explain how I am feeling right now. I for real, didn't get out of bed until 2pm today. I just didn't want to deal with another day of being pregnant and nothing happening.

I am just SO tired lately. I could probably go right back to sleep right now and its 3:30. Well I woke up and got something to eat and was just so tired, so I text my doula and I told her 'I am so tired..I didn't get out of bed until 2 today, I just ate and feel like I could go back to bed. Is that normal? I feel like I'm starting to get depressed . and I am so emotional and cry when I realize that I am not even having any signs of contractions or anything.'
So she called me to talk. I do feel a little better after talking with her. She has to remind me that this is ok and being almost 41 weeks is completely ok and normal. She pretty much said we should not even start thinking about worrying until you are 42 weeks. And even then, that is ok. Our bodies know what to do. And she just had to reassure me again and again that its normal for first time moms to go a week and a day over. Which like I've said a thousand times. I know that. I just keep letting my emotions get the best of me.

If you would have asked me a couple months ago, 'When is your due date?' I would have said March 12th, then I would have proudly stated 'but that doesn't mean anything. I am pretty sure I will go to at least 41 weeks.' And I was totally ok and prepared for that. Until I am about to hit 41 weeks and I am living it right now. Its a total mindfuck. You start to think all kinds of 'what ifs'. And I hate it. I know this is what is best. My baby is going to be strong and healthy and will come when HE is ready. But I am just so anxious excited nervous.

I feel like I'm rambling and just repeating what I have already said in other posts and cant really get out what I am meaning to vent.. Its hard to put it into words.. I am trying to hang in there. I am just psyching myself out. Everyday that passes I am more and more afraid that its leading to a csection. That would be my worst possible scenerio. I have prepared so much for the birth that I want. And I get scared that its slowly leading another way.
But my doula and midwives know that everything is fine right now, I need to trust in them. I do trust in them. I guess I need to trust in myself more right now. I know I am doing the right thing by not getting induced which is what most women would do by now. I want induction as much as I would want a csection. Not AT ALL.

So if you pity me, and you should ;) please send labor vibes my way. And even though it seems like I bitch a lot don't think for a second that I don't think I am completely blessed to be going through this. I know I am SO lucky to be pregnant and get to choose the birth I want and that I have had no complications. I am SO blessed to have ammmmmazing midwives and an amazing doula. What an incredible experience this has been. I really am so lucky. But there is just so much I can emotionally take before I need to vent about it :) Thanks for reading XOXO