what a weekend

(Started writing this on Monday)

Today my dad left :( there were tears. And I had to have a good cry by myself after they were gone. Geez even right now its hard to not tear up. I am so hormonal and emotional right now. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I was so sick the whole time they were here so we didn't do anything and I feel so bad. But they got to spend every second with Jax and thats what really matters.

I also had to have a good cry over all that I've been through lately. It's still all over my birth experience. Trust me, that will take a while to get over, if I even ever get over it. I was reading some stories online about women who had traumatic birth experiences or who had the same issues that I did and had to have csection when they planned for something so different. It just kind of helps to read those stories and relate to them. But gosh, that is a whole novel of a post in itself when I'm really ready to open up about it.

Let me tell you something you dont hear about after having a baby. The night sweats. It's miserable. I can literally fall asleep for one minute and wake up drenched in sweat. Completely soaked. I sleep on a towel and have to use it to dry myself off when I wake up during the night. its like I just stepped out of the shower and I have to dry off. Its that bad. Its gross. And my pillow gets wet and then its cold and you don't wanna lay back down cuz of the coldness. I have had to change my shirt the last two nights because they are so wet and then it gets super cold. Ugh its just seriously not fun and something you never hear about post partum. And I have to dry off every time baby wakes up and I have to tend to this before I pick up baby. Just a pain in the ass.

Speaking of baby. He is doing so good. Every single time we have taken him out of the house to the store or the doc or out to eat, he literally just hangs out in his carrier and doesn't make a sound. Its so incredible how good of a baby he is. We are extremely lucky. Even at home he is so dang good! He only cries when he needs something.  But he screams when we change his diaper, he doesn't like that. (I hope I didn't just jinx myself by bragging) But actually he has been really congested and sounds like he cant breath through his nose. So poor baby has been fussy lately and I think its because that is making him uncomfortable.

Friday we had a pediatrician appointment and my Dad and Wendy(stepmom) took me and Jax to it since I still cant drive. They met the pedi and loved her! I also love her so much, she is so great! Jaxon does in fact have thrush. I had never heard of that until I had a baby. I guess its very common. I had no idea. But she just gave us a prescription for this stuff we squirt into his cheeks and then we stick our finger in his mouth and rub it around his cheeks and tongue. It started clearing up the next day! So I am relived about that. Everything else is going great according to the pedi. She said I am doing great at being mom :) That is good to hear.

So on the breastfeeding topic.
Well, there is no breastfeeding going on. :\ I seriously thought it was going to be one of those things that we would have no problem at. I was very determined to breastfeed and was very supportive of that being the first and only option because it is what is best for my baby. But of course, since nothing went the way I thought it would, neither did this. I don't know if I can blame it on the csection but I kind of do blame it on that since me and baby didn't get that instint time to bond right after he was born like I had planned on. He just refuses to latch and screams the whole time which flusters me and makes me feel like such a failure.
One of the nurses helped me try to breastfeed him sometime during my recovery and I seriously cant even remember that moment. the only reason I know it happened was because there were pictures. I think maybe it was my doula who took them while the nurse was trying to get to baby to latch to me. But he wouldn't. We tried nipple shield for days but I felt like he wasn't getting anything because of course my milk wasn't in by then and it was just colostrum and I just didn't see how he could get any of it with the nipple shield. It was very stressful and disheartening.

So long story short, I am pumping and supplementing. He gets 90% breastmilk and 10% formula I would say. I always have a bottle of breastmilk for him ready to go.
But pumping SUCKS. Its just really annoying to have to hook up all the stuff and then sit there and pump. Although it is an electric one its still annoying. Your shirt is pulled up and you get cold and you have the bottles hooked to you and you cant move. And then I have to clean all the parts every single time I'm done. Oh and dont forget that your nipples will just turn on like a faucet as soon as its inconvenient, and you have to stop whatever it is you are doing to pump. Then your shirt is soaked. Hope the baby isn't screaming at the moment cuz when your hooked up you cant hold him. Sounds fun huh!?